thirteen

let the light shine from within.

today is a day of thanksgiving. a day to count blessings. spend surrounded by love. faith. joy. there is a favorite saying of mine, ‘grace isn’t something you say at the end of a meal, it is a way of living’. and I must practice what I preach.

I am reading a book, The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown. she encourages us to live and love with a whole heart. I am about half way through the book and with each page I feel newly aware. hopeful. encouraged. I am seeing that the process of setting the course of this stage of my life - determining my path, directing my goals – is as much (if not more) a matter of understanding myself as it is of figuring out what I want to do when I grow up.

but the book and it’s highly researched, but realistically simple common-sense approach, to living life has begun to shape me. to examine my life. how I live it. how I can live it, in Brené’s word, wholeheartedly. to examine all the emotions that make up our being human. make us who and what we are. act how we do. interact. react.

this sense of discovery is enlightening. humbling. understanding, although just begun, is power. and power, as she describes it is ‘the ability to affect change’.

I am learning. and oh so thankful.

peace.

twelve

miles are covered one step at a time.

some things are coming together. baby steps in the scheme of things, but small progress is welcome progress. but I will admit to being afraid. anxious. enthusiastic about what the rapidly approaching new year can hold. not will hold. can hold. and isn’t that a brilliant thought? because as I think about the future it is up to me to fill it. and accept the reality of the rules of the road.

~ take your time.
~ choose your path welcoming detours.
~ use caution.
~ savor the journey.

as a favorite blogger, watermusic, says it’s either fear or love baby. and like her I choose love. but it seems like no matter what I choose the fear looms big in the shadows. I want a bumper sticker that reads ‘love always wins.’

I think I have mentioned a time or twenty that I am a good procrastinator. and I know that needs to change. for the good. because as I put things off it get only looks bad to ugly. but in contemplating why I excel in the delay, I cannot pinpoint it. other than to say I can be lazy. is that an okay thing to admit to? I see others in my life and my make-believe blogging friends doing great things. and I feel a bit intimidated. but I must admit I can be awesome (with a lot of help from my friends). I say that with all humility. and hope. I can be the one that accomplishes a task. be the person that people come to for help. I so enjoy the task. the camaraderie. the teamwork. the shared success.

I have come to an understanding with myself that it is okay to say no. and I have done that this year. selfishly taken some time for myself. to do absolutely nothing. and there is joy in that. and lonliness. and want. and desire. and love. and fear.

as for the fear? it can loom. I need to accept that it is there. ever present. take it as a challenge to motivate me. inspire me. carefully.

so let’s get back to the task. walk the walk. putting one foot in front of the other takes some time and determination to get there. maybe a little backtracking.
re-evaluation. but the adventure is glorious.

peace.

eleven

put your mind into planning today.

it is the beginning of November. moving closer, at what seems great speed, to the end of the year. and I have been planning.

holidays and the New Year and all the days in between make me think of revelations not resolutions. ideas. mental wanderings. concerns. blessings. joyful ponderings.

in the weeks to come (as in the few weeks past) I am thoughtful. grateful. inspired. prayerful.

but ever so unorganized.

peace.

ten

every flower blooms in its own sweet time.

I recently left my job. and since my departure I have been a bit out of sorts. partially enjoying the freedom of retirement. but a lot of missing the people I worked with. the comfort of a schedule. and the sense of validation. the few months that I have been ‘free’ have given me more cause to reflect on what I want to be when I grow up. a question I have been asking myself for quite some time now.

it is not that I don’t have a wealth of things I want to do. or need to do. or should do. it is finding the motivation to get any of them done. and I selfishly use the 12 step program to make excuses. denial. causes. reasons. for not accomplishing more at this stage of my life. but the truth is I can be lazy. self-absorbed. and oh so the procrastinator. always thinking I will begin tomorrow. but never quite do.

many of my friends are experiencing the very same dilemma. this crossroads between having to work. wanting to work. wanting to help. having time. needing to contribute. these friends are comforting in many ways. a shoulder to pout on. a helping hand. safety in numbers. an invaluable buddy system to weed through a jumble of questions. generating more questions. seeking answers.

this morning I read an inspiring piece from Kristin Noelle (trust tending) who talked about impact. she writes ...

‘I wanted to matter, for sure. so there was the need for validation in my mix. but I also felt intensely like I had good things to offer the world, and like something important was getting hidden or wasted by all my private years. such a pity, my bones would groan.’ and goes on to say ‘give that part of you a hug and wish her well and go back to your business of being awed by the ways the little things aren’t little at all, and the quiet seasons of dormancy, and the frenetic seasons of young parenthood, and tumultuous seasons of private upheaval, and those stretches where you just don’t care and want to numb out to it all: all of them are of impact, and are necessary for the shedding of old things and the cultivation and growth of what’s new.’

such words are a push for me. and I think that is the beauty of the blogging world. gentle hiney-kicking. affirmation. reassurance. hope. love. simple words that say you are not alone. these feelings you have are normal. not everyone is a superhero. it’s okay to fail. okay to succeed. question. spark. sputter. cultivate. discover. try and try again. be perfectly imperfect.

embrace an important realization of the need to simply start. plant. grow. blossom.

I am oh so ready.

peace.